Dark shadows

Sometimes they creep up on me and other times I'm struggling to even remember them.
I go on for so long without them that I feel normal again. Then bam there within me. I can't escape them. They trap me, stab me and leave me for dead.
I wish so much to cave in to them.allow them to take over me. But I know they will pass soon and then I'll be back to forgetting how they felt. Only theres a scar left behind. To remind me.

Feeling crap

Ever feel completely alone in the world yet be surrounded by people?
I feel like running until I can't run anymore. Disappearing vanishing. Wishing that people knew the right thing to say to soothe my pain.It's funny how I feel alone yet all I want to do is be alone.
Sorry for the dark post but this is just something I need to let out.

It's been a while....

Well it's been so long since my last post!!

Life has been pretty hectic but overall good.
Things have been looking up in the last few months and a few long term goals have been reached....quite an achievement really as it's not often you get to achieve a big goal too many times in life.

So here's to staying strong oh and there's this new thing I'm trying..... I'm slowly learning to say no to extra things- they just end up stressing me out.
I kinda say yes to things before thinking them through and then being a total stress head! So that's my new goal.... Learn to say no!

Til next time peeps :)

worry wart

well i really am a worry wart!!! i get so uptight about what people might think about something that i have said.
I used to be worse actually :/

Now i don't bother with the text message or phone call saying:"oh i hope i didn't offend you". because half the time they didn't even remember what it was that i said. the whole time I'm thinking oh no there gonna think I'm being judgemental or that i said something that sounded like i was being mean or harsh.

Its not that i don't care now its just that i realise that if i actually did say something that was going to upset them that they would tell me or i would end up finding out.
I have this motto now that if i say something that can be taken two ways, and one way upsets you, i meant the other way!! i am seriously not the malicious or mean type. in fact i love people and i really cant handle confrontation at all.I do everything i can to be a likeable person, i guess that's why i always worry if i upset someone. but you know you cant please everyone and there is always going to be someone that you wont see eye to eye with.

Anyway thats my little thing to say so speak soon people :)

wow i have followers!!

well thank you everyone for being my follower!! i was so stoked when i saw that i had not just one but 8!!!
I cannot guarantee that what comes out of my mouth onto this blog will be positive or even anything worth reading but I'm going to try my best to just keep going.
Its been a huge step just writing things down, but now that i have people who may actually read my blog i feel like i may just write a bit more. (no guarantee's though!)

thanks everyone and take care :)

feelings of a messed up fat person

I look back at myself when i was a teen and think about how much i truly hated myself and i really had no need to as i looked good......hell id do anything to look the way i did back then.
i had zero confidence and used to constantly go around covering myself. all year round i would wear a jacket and would never be seen wearing just a top and jeans like a normal teen id always have my security blanket- AKA my poncho or cardi or jacket. I had not been seen in less by anyone. Yet i see pictures of myself and see that i was thin and had seriously nothing to worry about.
Yet I felt like a fat person and every comment people would make about anything to do with weight or how i looked i would just go and cry and feel even worse about myself.
Now i just wished that i had gotten over that and enjoyed my life.

So now i am overweight and still hate myself, its just that now i don't hide away under jackets...well not all the time.
I still find it extremely difficult to go out in public without a jacket or something to hide myself with. now i really do have a reason to hide myself.....because iam ugly and fat.

which brings me to the conversation i had with my other half tonight......
I feel like this is never going to change. i have such strong feelings about how much i hate how i look and have tried gyms,diets,personal trainers, not eating to the point of being sick.....and still cant get anywhere.I give up on everything.
Im thinking on getting surgery maybe, will see.

anyway i will stop my ranting and raving now.
until next time :)

I really have no idea

Ok well i decided to write a blog....silly idea really. I mean i have no idea what to write about!
I suppose i have a few things that im passionate about and will eventually share,
but unfortunatley im not really a confident person.
So doing this is quite a big thing for me as i feel like no one will want to listen to my blurb. I even wrote a blog and then the next day deleted it because i felt stupid writing it.

I will try to keep to writing even if no one wants to be my follower because i think i need to just give it a go.

phewwww wow im actually doing this

any suggestions from anyone about ideas on what to write about would be much appreciated :)